I’m back from a lovely scenic vacation to Fort Campbell. Which I guess I should preface by saying that my idea of a scenic vacation is 22 hours in a car in two days, to make sure the apartment I rented isn’t actually just a vacant lot and a port-a-potty. The good news: It’s not a vacant lot and a port-a-potty! But there is a vacant lot and a port-a-potty right across the street, which means my intuition was spot on, give or take a few yards.
My first priority was (obviously) setting up the kitchen with the spoils from my bridal shower.
Next priority was taking a shower. It’s impressive how gross you can feel after 11 hours in a car and a Monster energy drink. Luckily Jonathan’s niece anticipated my smelliness when she came to my bridal shower with this:
Not pictured: the used razor the previous tenant left for me in the shower. Which was thoughtful and also helpful, because it reminded me that I’d have to buy a large amount of cleaning products before I was going to put my naked body anywhere in this place.
After this point, I found out the shower was broken. So whenever I move in the future, every realtor will have to answer a lot of specific questions about whether or not bathroom and kitchen appliances work. I should have remembered what happens when you make assumptions.
I’d been in Fort Campbell for less than six hours at this point, and I took some time to jot down the other highlights:
- A car crash.
- Three police blockades for other car crashes.
- A mother fucking tornado siren.
- A large (dead?) insect caught in the bathroom vent.
- A large (definitely dead) cricket waiting for me by the back door. Nothing makes me feel at home faster than large, dead crickets.
- The 20 minutes it took me to find the cleaning products at Walmart.
- FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING TORNADO SIREN AGAIN what the fuck is protocol for a tornado? DO I STAND IN A DOORWAY? WHAT DO I DO.
- Oh wait, it’s just a flood warning siren. I stand by the panicking anyway.
- Why does a grilled chicken sandwich from Subway have more fat than a turkey and ham sandwich? Is this even chicken? Was it ever chicken?
- Thankfully Tennessee is one of the states that sells beer in the grocery store.
- This carpet.
I’m back in the Shire for the time being. But since Washington, D.C. is actually not very Shire-ish at all, I’m overcompensating by eating second breakfast every day until my real move.
Have you ever moved into a new home and had to deal with unexpected maintenance issues? If you haven’t, I’m guessing you’ve never moved at all. Or you’re an extremely lucky person who has probably caught a leprechaun or two. You could share those, you know.