Army 101

There and back again

I’m back from a lovely scenic vacation to Fort Campbell. Which I guess I should preface by saying that my idea of a scenic vacation is 22 hours in a car in two days, to make sure the apartment I rented isn’t actually just a vacant lot and a port-a-potty. The good news: It’s not a vacant lot and a port-a-potty! But there is a vacant lot and a port-a-potty right across the street, which means my intuition was spot on, give or take a few yards.

My first priority was (obviously) setting up the kitchen with the spoils from my bridal shower.

Kitchen setup

I have no pots and pans, so I decided I’m just going to heat up cans of soup in that Hello Kitty mug. Which was a good plan until I found out the microwave doesn’t work.

Next priority was taking a shower. It’s impressive how gross you can feel after 11 hours in a car and a Monster energy drink. Luckily Jonathan’s niece anticipated my smelliness when she came to my bridal shower with this:

Shark shower curtain

Not pictured: the used razor the previous tenant left for me in the shower. Which was thoughtful and also helpful, because it reminded me that I’d have to buy a large amount of cleaning products before I was going to put my naked body anywhere in this place.

Cleaning the bathroom is great

Weeee I’m cleaning.

After this point, I found out the shower was broken. So whenever I move in the future, every realtor will have to answer a lot of specific questions about whether or not bathroom and kitchen appliances work. I should have remembered what happens when you make assumptions.

I’d been in Fort Campbell for less than six hours at this point, and I took some time to jot down the other highlights:

  • A car crash.
  • Three police blockades for other car crashes.
  • A mother fucking tornado siren.
  • A large (dead?) insect caught in the bathroom vent.
  • A large (definitely dead) cricket waiting for me by the back door. Nothing makes me feel at home faster than large, dead crickets.
  • The 20 minutes it took me to find the cleaning products at Walmart.
  • FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING TORNADO SIREN AGAIN what the fuck is protocol for a tornado? DO I STAND IN A DOORWAY? WHAT DO I DO.
  • Oh wait, it’s just a flood warning siren. I stand by the panicking anyway.
  • Why does a grilled chicken sandwich from Subway have more fat than a turkey and ham sandwich? Is this even chicken? Was it ever chicken?
  • Thankfully Tennessee is one of the states that sells beer in the grocery store.
  • This carpet.
Beautiful carpet

It’s clever of them to make the carpet this alternating gray-brown-tan shade, because it makes it impossible to tell what’s dirt, and what’s just the carpet. SMART THINKING, PROPERTY MANAGEMENT COMPANY.

I’m back in the Shire for the time being. But since Washington, D.C. is actually not very Shire-ish at all, I’m overcompensating by eating second breakfast every day until my real move.

Have you ever moved into a new home and had to deal with unexpected maintenance issues? If you haven’t, I’m guessing you’ve never moved at all. Or you’re an extremely lucky person who has probably caught a leprechaun or two. You could share those, you know.

0 thoughts on “There and back again

  1. I’ve heard the bath tub or a closet are the safest places in case of a tornado. My grandmother has that carpet in moldy green in her house XP And don’t forget elevensies! ^^

    • Everybody at my bridal shower was like “Oh, are you saving that playful shower curtain for the bathroom when you have kids?” And I was like EXCUSE ME, THAT IS FOR MY SHOWER IMMEDIATELY.

  2. One time, I moved into an apartment and it was literally spotless. I was so happy to be able to unpack everything and not worry about cleaning for once. Except two days after I moved in, my washer flooded the entire apartment, ruining all that perfect.

  3. When I moved into the apartment I’m in now, I found what looked like pubic hair in the refrigerator and on the stove. I don’t even want to know how that happened. Let’s just say multiple layers of disinfectant were applied. Also, one of the walls in my bathroom fell off because of unseen mold in the walls. That was a four day process.

    Luckily, all is good now and I love my apartment. It just took a lot of patience and cleaning supplies to get there.

  4. Jess and I recently decided to read The Hobbit, mostly because we felt like we should give that Tolkien fellow a try at some point. I wasn’t sure about it having been a worthwhile read until I was able to recognize references in this post.

    Thank you for validating my reading choices.

  5. I don’t trust the meat at Subway (or most other places for that matter), hence why I always just get the veggie sub lol. The “grilled chicken” freaks me out the most, its basically just a chicken patty without the breading but with grill marks. Yuck.

    • My strategy at Subway is usually to put so many banana peppers on my sub, that I’m basically eating a banana peppers and bread sandwich and I stop thinking about the rest.

  6. I apologize, dear daughter, for forgetting to teach you the cardinal rule for purchasing cleaning products: always look for the root word, “disinfect,” and make sure it is not preceded anywhere by the words “no” or “not.”

  7. OMG! Aileen! You are hilarious!!! I can actually hear your voice in my head! Rachel and I bought a house last year — the sellers were those people who made everything look nice on the outside but crammed all their dirt and filth into the cabinets and under the stove (and yes there was a nice pile of goldfish crackers and cat food in the vents). We were extremely thankful our realtor bought us cleaning supplies as a housewarming gift, however not so please we spent $1,000 more on even more bleach and Lysol wipes and paper towels and more bleach!

    • Cat food in the vents? Sounds like an episode of Hoarders. I hope they at least removed all the cats for you.
      (But seriously, that sounds really gross. You have given me hope.)

  8. So I am kind of nutty about bathroom cleanliness… but after discovering that new toilet seats are pretty cheap and very easy to install, the first thing I do in a new apartment is replace the toilet seat (in fact, I have learned that landlords are supposed to do this for you in between tenets – at least here in MD, but they rarely do). Something about a new toilet seat makes it all ok (that and a lot of cleaning products in the bathtub). 🙂

    • You need to educate the world about this toilet seat rule. I’m pretty sure my current apartment’s toilet seat has not been changed since 1972. We use a lot of bleach in my apartment.

  9. I’m at the point where if I have to move, I am using every last piece of money to my name to pay people to pack up the shit and move the boxes. I don’t mind unpacking over a couple of glasses (read: bottles) of wine, but the packing and moving bit really gets my goat.

  10. I hit the jackpot when I married the husband. Besides that he frickin’ rocks and loves my level of crazy I got his Mom. Yup, she cleans for a living 🙂 and she is willing to help me because her baby boy will move closer to her because he married me. And she comes with her own set of cleaning items. Yeah me!

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