In the spirit of PANICKING TO GET EVERYTHING DONE before I move to Fort Campbell, I ventured to Glen Burnie on Saturday to meet with my two lonesome Baltimore bridesmaids, Lindsay and Rachel. Their bridesmaid dress appointment was a special treat for me, because I was able to gush over both their brand-new baby bellies (except neither of those bellies are very big yet, so mostly it just looked like I was being a big asshole about some stomach pudge).

Although I loved getting to hang out with the girls at my last bridesmaid appointment, I’m going to flat-out admit that the experience I had at the store (Alfred Angelo in Springfield, Virginia) was more than sub-par. The staff was inattentive and overbooked, and didn’t have time to properly help the four girls I’d scheduled; I ended up having to run the majority of the appointment myself. Most of the girls left the store a bit disheartened about the dresses, and none of them made a purchase that day. Because that’s what happens when you’re shoved into a dress four sizes too small, or not properly fitted into a dress five sizes too big, with no other options.

Luckily, The Glen Burnie Alfred Angelo redeemed the chain for me. Rachel, Lindsay, and I were greeted with big smiles immediately, and our consultant Virra (who I had spoken to on the phone previously) remembered the details I’d given about my bridesmaid mommies-to-be, and catered to us perfectly. I chose Alfred Angelo for my bridesmaid dresses because the locations are prevalent, and because, after much searching, they were the best fit for the dress options I needed. After my first appointment, I was considering pulling out all my hair and starting the search over; thankfully, the second appointment was like a magical Disney movie, and proved that the vision I have for my bridesmaids will also be a magical Disney movie, and all the cutlery and candlesticks and teacups at the reception will sing and dance with us. It’s possible my favors are going to be tablets of LSD.

Our consultant was so wonderful that, if the guest list weren’t already set, I’d probably try to invite her to the wedding.

My good luck continued the next morning, when I was treated to the few-and-far-between deployment luxury of the Skype date! I received a wake-up call on Sunday from Palmdale, California (which is for some reason where my caller ID thinks Jonathan is stationed: cue wild theories that he’s been enjoying himself on Southern California beaches for the past seven months, and this whole fighting-for-our country thing is a ruse). I spent most of the 20-minute call trying to understand Jonathan’s explanation of the new time difference between Afghanistan and Washington, D.C. in light of daylight saving’s time (and also trying to ignore my morning hair in the thumbnail image of my screen).

In my defense, my IQ is at least 100 points lower immediately upon waking up, which gives me about the intellect of a semi-advanced potato.

I think Jonathan mentioned it being around 5:00 for him, so, to make things easier for myself, I’ve decided that it’s always 5:00 in Afghanistan now. Except, since Jonathan can’t partake in alcoholic beverages while he’s deployed, I am burdened to drink for him at 5:00. Which is…always. And I’m pretty sure this is my third post in a row that emphasizes using alcohol as a coping mechanism, so here’s my DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME DISCLAIMER.

But if you want to indulge in some try-this-at-home moderation, here’s my it’s-5:00-in-Afghanistan drink recipe of the week:

The Antioxidant Antidepressant

1 part American flag vodka (has a slight aftertaste of freedom and undertones of liberty)
1 part pomegranate/blueberry juice
12 fresh blackberries (6 muddled, 6 whole)
Fill to top with tonic water

This fruit makes your alcohol super healthy!

The pink straw is not optional.

According to the internet, the antioxidants in these alcoholic blackberries basically cure every health thing ever. However, the only cure-all I can attest to is a delicious, freedom-fighting taste, and making the antioxidant drinker feel generally better about deployments (Which is mostly because I fell asleep about 20 minutes after finishing it…and since that makes me at least 70 years old, I guess it disproves the theory that antioxidants fight aging. I’m a scientist now.).

P.S. I created this drink recipe, so I don’t need to cite it. However if you copy it without citing me, I know a lot about intellectual property law so watch your back. But you have great taste, so I sort of like you anyway.