Hey, IT’S FRIDAY. Which I always effectively feel like an asshole to point out, because most of you probably already know what day it is, and because, while deployed, “Friday” means basically the same thing as “Tuesday” to Jonathan (since weekends rarely or never exist for him during deployments), and pointing out that it’s Friday is pretty much like saying to him “HEY, how about I remind you of all the things you’re missing out on while you have terrorist bullets hurled at you and while I drink my coffee and quietly enjoy this Greek yogurt at my desk.”
Now I feel like a double asshole, because Jonathan has little access to yogurt in Afghanistan too.
Courtney from Notably Neurotic (who I like for many reasons, one of which is because she might be the only other person still watching TLC’s “My Strange Addiction” after the episode featuring a grown man who was romantically involved with several inflatable pool toys) wrote a “things you should know about me” post yesterday, which led me to the original “things you should know about me” post from Little Miss Momma, which invited me to also write my own “things you should know about me” post, and that’s how we all landed on this sentence, which is an entire paragraph long and may contain several comma splices, but HEY, IT’S FRIDAY, SO WHO CARES?
(Actually I sort of still care. I went back and checked, and, remarkably, that sentence appears to be grammatically and punctuationally legit. Unlike the word “punctuationally,” which I just made up. This post is getting wildly out of hand.)
Things you should know about me if we’re gonna be BFFS:
- I really, really, really like cheese. I started you off with an easy one.
- I am straight-up terrified of needles; after injections or blood draws, I have to stay seated for at least 20 minutes to avoid vosovagal syncope (that’s a fancy term for being so afraid of something that, when confronted with it, you pass the fuck out; this started happening to me when I was about four years old, and no amount of anything has been able to get rid of it). I am also straight-up terrified of hospitals, doctors offices, and anywhere needles might be. I’ve passed out in doctors offices more times than I care to count, and it’s developed into this total fear of anything having to do with my body in a medical way. Which means I routinely pass out at the OBGYN, even when there is absolutely no pain involved in the exam, and I can’t even begin to tell you how embarrassing this is for everybody involved.
- I like using the term “straight-up,” because…Paula Abdul.
- Strangely, I am not terrified of the dentist. In fact, I like having my teeth cleaned. I don’t understand it either.
- I’m a terrible speller.
- I really, really, really hate when people stop mid-step right after getting off an escalator. YOU HAVE TO KEEP WALKING. THE ESCALATOR DOES NOT STOP AND THE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU ON IT DISAPPEAR JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE DONE USING IT. I HATE YOU. STOP DOING THAT.
- I just watched that Paula Abdul video three times.
- I am
obsessivelymildly addicted to Pinterest.
- My favorite meal is a bagel and lox.
- I used to sleep with 14 stuffed animals on my bed, because I felt guilty if I left any of them out. I have very extreme empathy issues.
- I like cats. SORRY.
- I am a fraternal twin. I have had several people tell me that, because my sister and I do not look exactly alike, we do not qualify as actual twins. From now on, I would prefer people take up that argument with my mom, who birthed two babies in 60 seconds, and will be happy to punch you directly in the face.
- Just kidding. My mom would never hit a person. Unless that person overuses the word “amazing,” which is one of her biggest pet peeves, and is why I almost never use the word “amazing” unless it’s to describe a particularly excellent gouda.
- To this day, Roald Dahl is still one of my favorite writers.
- I was in marching band for four years. I was drum major for two years. The amount of band/drum major camps I’ve been to is only slightly less embarrassing than my tendency to pass out after a pap smear.
- I can’t believe I just said “pap smear” on this blog.
- The biggest fight I’ve ever gotten into with Jonathan was when we decided to cast “How I Met Your Mother” with people in our lives, and Jonathan said that I’m the Ted Mosby. Actually I’m still mad about this.
- I love Post-Its.
- I can’t follow or understand directions to save my life. I don’t remember how I functioned before I had a GPS, but I know that life was very scary.
- Despite having majored in drama with a concentration in acting, I am a decidedly mediocre singer. Which is why my nearly-tone-deaf rendition of Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello” during my performance thesis production was a ridiculous success. (It looked something like this, in case you were wondering. And, yes, I will gladly make that face for you again upon request.)
- I am 5’2″; Jonathan is roughly 6’3″. Sometimes when he’s almost asleep, I like to crawl onto his back and whisper “I’m the big spoon” creepily into his ear. He does not like this.
- Jonathan once admitted to me that he thinks I’m funny. But only once. It was not immediately following a “big spoon” incident.
- My hands are so small that I have to buy children’s gloves if I want them to fit properly.
- P.S. My feet are not comparably small. Jonathan has pointed this out to me, because he sometimes forgets his manners.
- Sometimes when watching SpongeBob, I get so upset about how miserable Squidward’s life is that I have to change the channel.
- I was devastatingly shy for my entire childhood. I spent the first seven years of my life hiding behind my mom’s skirt at family events. Theater saved my life.
- The thing I hate most in the world is putting my bare feet on the floor in a public bathroom or shower OH GOD I DON’T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS I NEED TO THROW UP AND PUT ON AN EXTRA PAIR OF SOCKS NOW.
- In the fourth grade when I moved to Maryland, the kids in my class saw the way my name was spelled and decided to call me “alien” instead of “Aileen.” I am still not over this.
- Related (for those of you who don’t know me), my name is pronounced “Eileen,” but spelled with an A. This was not a nice thing my parents did to substitute teachers.
- Until middle school, I wanted to grow up to be an artist. If you’re wondering why I stopped wanting to be an artist, please see below for my best self-portrait to date (bonus: also a fish).