Histrionics

Things you should know about me if we’re gonna be BFFs

Hey, IT’S FRIDAY. Which I always effectively feel like an asshole to point out, because most of you probably already know what day it is, and because, while deployed, “Friday” means basically the same thing as “Tuesday” to Jonathan (since weekends rarely or never exist for him during deployments), and pointing out that it’s Friday is pretty much like saying to him “HEY, how about I remind you of all the things you’re missing out on while you have terrorist bullets hurled at you and while I drink my coffee and quietly enjoy this Greek yogurt at my desk.”

Now I feel like a double asshole, because Jonathan has little access to yogurt in Afghanistan too.

Courtney from Notably Neurotic (who I like for many reasons, one of which is because she might be the only other person still watching TLC’s “My Strange Addiction” after the episode featuring a grown man who was romantically involved with several inflatable pool toys) wrote a “things you should know about me” post yesterday, which led me to the original “things you should know about me” post from Little Miss Momma, which invited me to also write my own “things you should know about me” post, and that’s how we all landed on this sentence, which is an entire paragraph long and may contain several comma splices, but HEY, IT’S FRIDAY, SO WHO CARES?

(Actually I sort of still care. I went back and checked, and, remarkably, that sentence appears to be grammatically and punctuationally legit. Unlike the word “punctuationally,” which I just made up. This post is getting wildly out of hand.)

Things you should know about me if we’re gonna be BFFS:

This is my face and a leopard-print sweater. Let's begin.

This is my face and a leopard-print sweater. Let’s begin.

  • I really, really, really like cheese. I started you off with an easy one.
  • I am straight-up terrified of needles; after injections or blood draws, I have to stay seated for at least 20 minutes to avoid vosovagal syncope (that’s a fancy term for being so afraid of something that, when confronted with it, you pass the fuck out; this started happening to me when I was about four years old, and no amount of anything has been able to get rid of it). I am also straight-up terrified of hospitals, doctors offices, and anywhere needles might be. I’ve passed out in doctors offices more times than I care to count, and it’s developed into this total fear of anything having to do with my body in a medical way. Which means I routinely pass out at the OBGYN, even when there is absolutely no pain involved in the exam, and I can’t even begin to tell you how embarrassing this is for everybody involved.
  • I like using the term “straight-up,” because…Paula Abdul.
  • Strangely, I am not terrified of the dentist. In fact, I like having my teeth cleaned. I don’t understand it either.
  • I’m a terrible speller.
  • I really, really, really hate when people stop mid-step right after getting off an escalator. YOU HAVE TO KEEP WALKING. THE ESCALATOR DOES NOT STOP AND THE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU ON IT DISAPPEAR JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE DONE USING IT. I HATE YOU. STOP DOING THAT.
  • I just watched that Paula Abdul video three times.
  • I am obsessively mildly addicted to Pinterest.
  • My favorite meal is a bagel and lox.
  • I used to sleep with 14 stuffed animals on my bed, because I felt guilty if I left any of them out. I have very extreme empathy issues.
  • I like cats. SORRY.
  • I am a fraternal twin. I have had several people tell me that, because my sister and I do not look exactly alike, we do not qualify as actual twins. From now on, I would prefer people take up that argument with my mom, who birthed two babies in 60 seconds, and will be happy to punch you directly in the face.
  • Just kidding. My mom would never hit a person. Unless that person overuses the word “amazing,” which is one of her biggest pet peeves, and is why I almost never use the word “amazing” unless it’s to describe a particularly excellent gouda.
  • To this day, Roald Dahl is still one of my favorite writers.
  • I was in marching band for four years. I was drum major for two years. The amount of band/drum major camps I’ve been to is only slightly less embarrassing than my tendency to pass out after a pap smear.
  • I can’t believe I just said “pap smear” on this blog.
  • The biggest fight I’ve ever gotten into with Jonathan was when we decided to cast “How I Met Your Mother” with people in our lives, and Jonathan said that I’m the Ted Mosby. Actually I’m still mad about this.
  • I love Post-Its.
  • I can’t follow or understand directions to save my life. I don’t remember how I functioned before I had a GPS, but I know that life was very scary.
  • Despite having majored in drama with a concentration in acting, I am a decidedly mediocre singer. Which is why my nearly-tone-deaf rendition of Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello” during my performance thesis production was a ridiculous success. (It looked something like this, in case you were wondering. And, yes, I will gladly make that face for you again upon request.)
  • I am 5’2″; Jonathan is roughly 6’3″. Sometimes when he’s almost asleep, I like to crawl onto his back and whisper “I’m the big spoon” creepily into his ear. He does not like this.
  • Jonathan once admitted to me that he thinks I’m funny. But only once. It was not immediately following a “big spoon” incident.
  • My hands are so small that I have to buy children’s gloves if I want them to fit properly.
  • P.S. My feet are not comparably small. Jonathan has pointed this out to me, because he sometimes forgets his manners.
  • Sometimes when watching SpongeBob, I get so upset about how miserable Squidward’s life is that I have to change the channel.
  • I was devastatingly shy for my entire childhood. I spent the first seven years of my life hiding behind my mom’s skirt at family events. Theater saved my life.
  • The thing I hate most in the world is putting my bare feet on the floor in a public bathroom or shower OH GOD I DON’T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS I NEED TO THROW UP AND PUT ON AN EXTRA PAIR OF SOCKS NOW.
  • In the fourth grade when I moved to Maryland, the kids in my class saw the way my name was spelled and decided to call me “alien” instead of “Aileen.” I am still not over this.
  • Related (for those of you who don’t know me), my name is pronounced “Eileen,” but spelled with an A. This was not a nice thing my parents did to substitute teachers.
  • Until middle school, I wanted to grow up to be an artist. If you’re wondering why I stopped wanting to be an artist, please see below for my best self-portrait to date (bonus: also a fish).

Self portrait and a fish

0 thoughts on “Things you should know about me if we’re gonna be BFFs

    • Hahahaha a related story–for some reason, at the dealership where I bought my car, they ask you to sing a song of your choosing with the staff once you’ve made the big purchase and have been handed the keys. I chose “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” and afterwards one of the salesman told me to keep my day job.

      Cheese Skype date sounds like so many things I love all in one place. I’m in.

  1. This. was. AMAZING. (It’s okay, Aileen’s mom, you can punch me. I DEFINITELY overuse that word.)

    I am thrilled that I’ve learned more about you, and equally thrilled that I already knew some of this stuff.

    BAGELS & LOX & CHEESE & PRETENDING TO BE THE BIG SPOON FOREVER.

  2. I briefly met you at WAC when I was an exchange student there (you most likely have no idea who I am) and since you’re blog popped up on FB because of a common friend, I’ve been trying to think where I’ve seen you but it was the speed dating play. I laughed so hard watching that. It was amazing.

    • Thank you so much for the compliment, and for making me feel totally famous, Jo! I’m sure if I saw you, I’d know you (WAC is such a small, wonderful world). I’m glad you enjoyed the play; it was so much fun to do, and it gave me an excuse to sit like a man (so much more comfortable than sitting like a lady), which makes me miss it so much whenever I have to sit on the metro while wearing a skirt.

  3. I COMPLETELY AGREE ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DON’T KEEP WALKING OFF THE ESCALATOR!!! They make me very un-Canadian; I want to punch them in the back of the head.

    Don’t apologize for liking cats. They’re AWESOME!

    People have said that in HIMYM, I’m across the board Robyn. As a Robyn, I dub thee as a Lily.

    Lastly, I enjoy that the smile you drew and the one in the photo are EXACTLY THE SAME. Therefor, I call that a successful self-portrait.

    • The worst part about the Ted Mosby thing is that Jonathan says, obviously, he’s the Marshall. So I was like, “Okay, you can’t make yourself the Marshall and then not make me the Lily. If you’re Marshall, where the hell is Lily?” And he was like, “Lily is in San Francisco.” Which I guess was better than him casting somebody else as Lily, but it was still a low blow, and I’m still angry about it. I MEAN OBVIOUSLY I WOULD BE A TERRIBLE ARCHITECT, unless the building I am designing is made out of poorly drawn fish.

      (In Jonathan’s defense, I do make a lot of lists, and sometimes I’m painfully annoying. BUT OTHER THAN THAT THERE ARE NO SIMILARITIES.)

      • Jonathan is Marshall? Then clearly you’re Lily. Marshall would never date Ted, even if they were both gay. They’re too bromancy for each other.

        You are now doubly Lily.

  4. I came across your blog about about a month ago, and first off, you are hilarious (even if your husband wont admit it)

    But mainly I wanted to say that as a new military wife (AF) that hasn’t yet experienced a deployment, your posts give me hope that I will be able to get through them okay. Thank you!

    Also, cheese is awesome.

    • Ruth, we are definitely gonna be BFFs.

      Thank you so much. And, trust me, if I can be this insane and make it through a deployment, you can definitely do it too. Is this the appropriate time to use “GIRL POWER!!” I just did it.

    • Haha, thanks, Meg! He hasn’t had consistent internet access for a while, so I don’t think he’s read this post yet; but I imagine he’s not going to be SUPER thrilled when he finds out I said that on the internet.

  5. You mentioned me, you really mentioned me! I strangely feel validated not only as a writer, but as a person. too.

    “The thing I hate most in the world is putting my bare feet on the floor in a public bathroom or shower OH GOD I DON’T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS I NEED TO THROW UP AND PUT ON AN EXTRA PAIR OF SOCKS NOW.”

    ^^Ha! When the weather is warm and it stays light outside past 4:59 pm, I like to go running around my office building because it has some really, really big hills and I clearly hate myself enough to run on them. Well, I have to change in the bathroom at work and since I only wear sandals in the summer, I have do an awkward dance in the bathroom stall that’s not at all unlike that game of “Hot Lava” we all played as kids where the carpet was fire and we had to jump across all of the furniture. I lay my socks on the tile (ick) and hop around on them, trying to get my work clothes off and my shorts and tank ON without touching the actual bathroom floor because if I do, I will throw up. Which is probably okay considering there is a toilet right there next to me.

    • You are this many steps closer to internet stardom.

      AND, YES. Luckily my gym right now has carpets, but if I ever have to change in a bathroom I will step on ANYTHING rather than the floor. Which in the past has included my pants, my purse, and carefully placed wads of toilet paper.

      P.S. One time my naked body accidentally brushed up against the wall in a dorm room shower and I was out of commission for the rest of the week with vomiting.

  6. WHEN DID THIS BLOG POST GET HERE?

    I don’t know how I missed it the first time around, but I can assure you that I was really excited when I found it.

  7. Pingback: For better or for worse Netflix suggestions | Army Pants and Flip Flops

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