Another of the distractions Jonathan has offered me during this deployment is access to his Netflix Instant account online. Which obviously means I spent the first few weekends he was gone watching “Tangled” on my laptop until I started hallucinating in Disney cartoons. Which actually isn’t a terrible way to live.
So when I found myself with a free weekend recently (and the Law and Order: SVU marathons running simultaneously on two television channels were all episodes I’ve seen at least twice), I took advantage of my Netflix deployment perk. I spent the next 48 hours watching the entire first season of American Horror Story and trying to ignore the fact that I live in a basement.
A problem I should have foreseen: I didn’t sleep for two weeks after I saw “Thir13en Ghosts,” and that’s a Tony Shalhoub movie. And I really don’t want to discuss what happened after I saw the movie “Insidious,” mostly because I’m still recovering from it and I don’t want to facilitate any flashbacks. (Yes, Jacki, I realize that “Insidious” wasn’t really that scary. But you didn’t have to live with Jonathan singing “tiptoe through the tulips” to you in a whispered falsetto just as you were falling asleep every night for a week after you watched it.)
At 4:30am a few days ago, sleeping in my basement, my iPhone made that descending DING-dong noise it makes when it disconnects from a power source. At 4:31am, my iPhone made the countering ascending dong-DING noise it makes when it connects to a power source. Then another ding-dong. And then overlapping ding dongs that dong dinged on top of each other and until they confused the hell out of my iPhone, which then started making a drawn-out diiiiiiiiiiiiiing sound until I woke up fully and pulled it off the charger. When I turned around to go back to sleep, the lamp on my opposite nightstand was suddenly turned on.
It’s 4:30am. I’m still under the influence of sleeping pills. I’m in a basement. And also I should mention that I just saw that new Guillermo Del Toro movie about ghosts who get angry at you and then they legit slither through your walls and short out the power so you don’t see them coming when they SNAP YOUR NECK.
Just as my brain is beginning to process this information, I hear the churning sound of my apartment’s heating system shut off. All the light bulbs in my room flash. My nightstand light shuts off.
And basically I spend the next 30 seconds trying not to pee my pants and screaming “LEAVE ME ALONE, GHOSTS!!!!!!!” over and over again in my head.
The good news is that I don’t think there are ghosts in my apartment. Because not even ghosts want to live in my apartment; they’re probably all over at the Clarendon 1021 condos relaxing in their underground parking and jacuzzi tubs. The bad news is that, as I probably should have assumed before leaping directly to paranormal activity, something is loose in my apartment’s wiring that’s causing the power to flicker on and off every few minutes…or seconds…or sometimes hours. It’s very flighty and temperamental. My apartment is like an angsty teenage girl.
I’m not sure how the wiring was done in my apartment, but it appears to have been done by somebody who was very drunk, or possibly schizophrenic. Because, while the three upstairs bedrooms, the refrigerator in the kitchen, and the lights in my basement staircase work, nothing else does. Which means we have free range to use the refrigerator, but no stove, oven, or microwave to cook anything in. While I am perfectly able to walk down the stairs into my bedroom, I am unable to use anything in my bedroom. Except for in the minutes or seconds of intervals when the power has momentarily flickered on.
The other good news is that, since I obviously can’t cook, I’ve eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and granola for half my meals this week and I don’t have to feel guilty about it. Silver lining!
So while I wait for my power to return (another silver lining: I’m getting really great at doing my make up in the dark), I’m participating in the 28-Day Blog Challenge. Which means you all get to join me in another deployment distraction: sprucing up Army Pants and Flip Flops! If you have your own blog and want to give it some TLC, it’s not too late to sign up for the challenge. You might win a sparkly headband. Except I hope you don’t, because I really want to win the sparkly headband.
Lovely readers: What changes would you like to see happen on this blog? Are there any topics you’d like me to post about more…or topics you’re getting really sick of and maybe I should shut up already? What would you like to see from my various social media accounts? If you have a blog, do you have any advice to offer to help me improve mine over the next 28 days?