When Jonathan got back from his first deployment, I decided we’d have a celebrate-all-the-holidays-he-missed weekend. Since he was gone for a year, that’s…all the holidays. Which turned out to be a little over zealous, and we ended up celebrating none of them instead.
So for this deployment, I’m just sending the holidays to him as they happen. Luckily I still have a month to figure out how to fit an entire Christmas ham and a fully-lit menorah into a standard USPS box without catching it on fire. It might involve bending the laws of physics a bit, so we’ll find out if love is more powerful than science. And if it’s flame-retardant.
As I’ve mentioned, Halloween is my favorite non-Jewish holiday. And although Jonathan could probably take it or leave it, I’m still trying to find a way to trick him into liking candy corn, because I think his distaste for it is extremely un-American. To help, I assembled a very special Halloween-in-a-box care package to send to Afghanistan.
As I discovered while assembling the last care package I made for Jonathan, taking pictures of the baking process is both annoying and messy. And since this recipe called for literally keeping a stick of butter out to coat your hands (in order to prevent the mixture from sticking to you long enough to mold it), I decided to keep my $2000 DSLR out of it. Also, using a stick of butter as hand lotion is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever done, including the time I tried to drink an entire pumpkin-spinach-kale smoothie. There’s no amount of pumpkin pie spice that can make blended spinach taste like pie.
Once you’ve let the mixture sit in the pans for a half hour, you tap them out onto a cutting surface. You then take a minute to appreciate that the two pre-cut Krispie circles look a lot like boobs. You cut the circles like they’re pizzas, and step back to enjoy how great you are at using rubber spatulas as hands.
Since most recipes for Rice Krispies recommend serving them the same day (because they turn to about the consistency of bricks overnight), I really packaged the shit out of them.
I packed the final products in air-tight containers, and included them underneath some traditional trick-or-treating candy, an emergency Halloween costume, and some cordial cherries. The cherries have nothing to do with Halloween, but Jonathan really likes them and they were somewhat of a bribe to get him to send me a picture of himself wearing the Groucho Marx glasses.
Unfortunately, Halloween came and went in Afghanistan, and Jonathan remained candy-less and costume-less. “Patience is a virtue,” he reminded me, which is true, but patience won’t stop you from chipping your tooth on a month-old Rice Krispie Treat. (I sent his Thanksgiving-in-a-box care package this past weekend because I’m determined to get at least one of them there in time for the holiday.)
After not hearing from Jonathan for five days or so (DURING WHICH I TOTALLY DIDN’T FREAK OUT AT ALL, in case you were wondering), I finally heard from him yesterday. And he’d finally gotten the box! Despite having received the package belatedly, he says the Krispies were still moist enough to prevent dental work, so my job here is done.