Coping mechanisms

Tequila shots with Honey Boo Boo

This weekend I made the mistake of spending six hours watching the Weather Channel, which convinced me that Hurricane Sandy is actually the apocalypse and the basement I live in will flood so if I want to keep all my jewelry safe from the increasing torrents of rain I need to wear it.

The entire DC metro shut down, which is even more intense than they got during Snowmageddon a few years ago. So I’m celebrating the fact that I can’t go to work but still have power and internet by eating Greek yogurt in bed and wearing every piece of jewelry Jonathan has ever gotten me, including his dog tags and several bracelets, and getting up every few minutes to fill any cup I find in the kitchen with filtered water. I’M REALLY GOOD AT NOT PANICKING DURING NATURAL DISASTERS. Now you understand why I don’t want to live in tornado states.

The good news is that Sandy was polite enough to wait until after Halloween weekend to kill us all. Halloween is hands-down my favorite non-Jewish holiday (by next year, both my bat mitzvah and my wedding will have fallen during Sukkot, so the fall harvest has a special place in my heart). And since having a degree in drama is basically the same thing as having a degree in Halloween, I enlisted Jacki’s help to really go all-out for my last Halloween in DC.

We are feminine Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Not slutty. FEMININE. A surprising number of people apparently aren’t obsessed with Alice in Wonderland (because they don’t understand good literature-turned-Disney-movies), so not everybody really understood the costume. A guy dressed as Patrick Batemen who was too busy murdering homeless people to bother with details called us “Beep and Boop.” Close enough.

While most of the elements of this costume were purchased, I want to point out the stupid amount of time I spent doctoring our bow ties to give them polka dots, wrapping the propellers on our hats with yellow yarn for authenticity, and fashioning the bow belts. We even painted our nails with two coats of different blue polishes, and Jacki memorized “The Walrus and the Carpenter,” just in case anybody doubted our dedication.

Like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, we are also bad at giving people directions when they get lost in the woods.

Seeing as the closest thing to a couples costume I could get Jonathan to agree to for the future was characters from “Gunsmoke,” we really wanted to make the costumes count. So we spent about a month gathering and creating all the pieces. Having a project that involves a lot of internet searching (and a pinboard, of course) and crafting turned out to be a great coping mechanism; and I’m sure Jonathan was delighted to listen to me talk about red tutus all month. Everybody wins.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum decided to start their evening in Wonderland at Gretchen’s Halloween party, where they met a lot of people/insects. Curiouser and curiouser.

You can learn a lot of things from the flowers. And from the Gretchen-ladybugs. Especially when they also dress their schnauzer as a ladybug.

Pam Anderson loves animals, unimpressed silver-medal gymnasts, and running in slow motion.

So many pop culture references, so little time.

Jonathan’s boss, Uncle Sam, came to the party too. Probably because he knew I would be there and wanted to show his support for the troops.

Gretchen, these bugs are gigantic. You’re going to need a heavy-duty exterminator. The bumblebee is being held by half of my fantastic wedding photography duo, Ben Powell. The other half (his fiancee Taylor), can be seen kicking ass as Katniss a few photos above this one.

For the past two years of living in Arlington, I’ve had the distinct misfortune of a lease that begins on November 1. Which means I’ve spent all my Arlington Halloweens convincing my friends to drive U-Hauls and carry my dresser and all my boxes of shoes up and down stairs. So this year Jacki and I made it a point to finally experience Halloween in Clarendon (the neighborhood in Arlington where I live, and where you can find a lot of popped collars and boat shoes). We ventured out to one of my favorite spots: Whitlow’s. But before we even got there, we were stopped by the friendliest devil I’ve ever met.

It turns out she’s a marine wife, who just moved to Clarendon after being stationed with her husband in Saudi Arabia. We decided to be friends despite the army-marine rivalry. Halloween really brings people together.

The walk from my apartment to Whitlow’s is one of my new favorite Halloween memories, because Halloween in Clarendon is one of the most fabulous (if douche-iest) experiences you can imagine. My favorite encounter was with a grown man dressed as Strawberry Shortcake, including a short dress and pink nail polished nails. I did ask a stranger to take a picture of us with him, but strangers are terrible at taking pictures and it turned out to be a completely black photo of the sidewalk. Which I will cherish forever.

When we got there, the costume contest was deciding between a Mitt Romney and a Teddy Roosevelt bobble head. You can really never get away from politics when you live in the DC area. Luckily we found some other winners that kept the election out of their costumes.

Those two Hamburglers didn’t come together; they met moments before this picture. The one who brought real hamburgers wins. Also worth mentioning, that Forrest Gump actually brought real chocolate in his box of chocolates. The Cruella did not make her accessories from real puppies, and when we met “scissors, rock, and shoot,” scissors was pretty angry that paper left so early.

We found our Alice! AND SHE WAS IN CHAINS. We did not help her find the white rabbit, and we did tell her a story about oysters.

I recently explained to Jonathan that, in a perfect world where all my dreams come true, my ideal career would be as a blogger for TLC reality shows. And while this means that Jonathan has been forced to learn a lot of things he didn’t care to know about the Sister Wives, I found out yesterday that he doesn’t even know who Honey Boo Boo is. I really feel like I’ve failed in my job to keep him up-to-date with pop culture while he’s deployed.

The good news is that WE MET HONEY BOO BOO AT WHITLOW’S.

Alana has really improved her eye contact with the judges. She may not have taken away the Ultimate Grand Supreme title, but she did take a tequila shot with us.

And while Jonathan may not have been here to enjoy Halloween this year (and he still hasn’t received my Halloween care package, even though I sent it almost a month early), he was there in spirit. And in this guy’s costume.

I’m disappointed be the lack of authenticity in this costume. At least the helmet is multicam and not ACU. Oops; I mean Kevlar, not helmet. See, Jonathan? I’m learning.

Stay safe in the hurricane, everyone. And if you want to keep your jewelry, WEAR IT.

0 thoughts on “Tequila shots with Honey Boo Boo

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