Coping mechanisms / Twins

I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip flops

So I bought army pants and flip flops.

If you’ve never seen the movie “Mean Girls,” first of all go see it immediately because it’s brilliant and, second, you might think this blog is a lot more about Jonathan’s pants than it actually is.

When Joanna decided the theme of our birthday party would be “movies,” and clearly we’d both go as Cady Heron in army pants and flip flops, I figured I’d go out and just find some camo pants. But apparently they’re out of style, and don’t exist. This country doesn’t care nearly enough about the army or about movies written by Tina Fey. I actually resorted to trying on the smallest pair of men’s camo pants I could find at Walmart, and they were so big that they wouldn’t even stay on my body. Which I was honestly pretty relieved about, because I’m not ready to have reached that point in my life where I’m able to wear Jonathan’s pants. (That does not apply to Jonathan’s basketball shorts.)

Long story short (actually, this has already been a long story for a plot line about pants), one time I ordered a cheetah-print sweater dress from a clothing catalogue made for teenagers, and not that I still check that catalogue every month because that would be totally silly and juvenile, but they happen to have just come out with camo-print stretch skinny jeans (read between the lines: jeggings), and they happen to be on a buy-one-get-one sale because apparently not even teenagers appreciate the true value of the armed forces or Tina Fey anymore either. I’m really alarmed about the dwindling values of this country’s youth.

And don’t forget about those tank tops that taught me a lesson about doing crafts while watching Jeopardy. And, yes, I clearly didn’t plan for what my butt would do to those letters. Live and learn.

And of course no theme party is a true theme party without themed snacks.

Some of that candy is soaking in vodka. Nicholas cage approves. I’m really sorry I didn’t snag a picture of the home-popped popcorn varieties Joanna’s roommate Emma provided. I spent the first half hour of the party standing directly next to the bowl of pumpkin-pie popcorn and growling at anybody who got too close to it without my permission.

The reason you see ketchup and mustard on the table is because our high school friend Alex pulled a Ron Swanson and made a vat of hotdogs a little after midnight. Thank you, Alex.

Gretchen (who had that infamous Harry Potter birthday party that I will never attempt to top) won the Mean Girls award with her “cool Asian” costume, and Becky won the I-bought-this-wig-an-hour-ago award. We decided she was “Tonks in her experimental phase.” Mean Girls and Harry Potter united by dancing like Hugh Grant in “Love Actually,” which means the movies party was a complete success. (Becky also receives an honorable mention for bringing a pack of stick-on mustaches.)

Ryan won the character-from-a-movie-I’ve-never-seen award at the same time as my admitting to a room of people that I’ve never seen “The Big Lebowski,” and I instantly became very unpopular. Rachael (a resident of “Pleasantville”) won the I-came-to-your-Friday-night-party-despite-being-pregnant-with-twins-and-still-looking-really-cute award. And Emma won the second Mean Girls award as Karen. There’s a 30% chance that it’s already raining.

My fantastic roommate Paula spent the night pretending she knows very little about Russia. Sarah Palin approves of the shooter I made her. (Julianne Moore just won the Best Actress in a Miniseries Emmy for playing Sarah Palin in “Game Change,” so shame on you if you’re doubting the validity of this costume.)

Anybody who came without a costume was dubbed a “midnight-premier movie-goer.”

Prasana and Kelly, as a really stylish movie-goer, and a dancer from “Centerstage.” Kelly hands-down wins the commitment-to-her-costume award for carrying around pointe shoes all night.

And the best-presentation award goes to Curtis and Brooke, who thankfully did not act out any other parts of “Pretty Woman” during the party.

Thank you to everyone who came to the party. I’m sorry I didn’t get pictures of more of you. I really prioritized guarding that pumpkin-pie popcorn over everything else.

Even though I can now legally rent a car in most US states, 25 was a rough birthday for me, for obvious Afghanistan reasons. I spent my day at work hoping to hear from Jonathan, but trying not to care too much. Which means I basically flipped from my work email screen to my Gmail screen every 10 minutes, hoping for a little green dot, and then pretending not to care when there wasn’t one. So much for that whole “turn it off” attitude.

But, as I’ve mentioned, I’m lucky to have friends who double as my coping mechanisms.

Curtis totally one-upped the Edible Arrangement I got him for his birthday BY FINDING ME A SPONGEBOB ONE THAT CAME WITH A DISNEY PRINCESS CROWN. I tried to wear the crown to lunch, but they sent me a children’s size and I can’t figure out why, so it kept falling off. I was very popular with people down the hall from my cubicle all day.

And when I got home from work with still no word from Jonathan, the coping continued courtesy of my friend Blane, who I want to mention doesn’t even like Harry Potter.

Those are two hand-made Harry Potter wands (ONE OF WHICH IS LEOPARD PRINT), and matching sunglasses. I can’t even. Blane, I want you to know that I’ve planned my entire week of outfits around those sunglasses and I love you.

My friends know me and tolerate me better than one could ever hope.

I was also treated to some really excellent pineapple fried rice from Kanlaya Thia Cuisine by my coworkers, a “southern belle” cupcake from Red Velvet and Trader Joe’s dark-chocolate covered edamame because my roommate Rachel realized I was running low, Bonefish Grill’s Bang Bang Shrimp (and the rest of a meal, worth every calorie) from my parents, and flowers from Alex, because making hot dogs at midnight is not his only skill set. Please notice that those flowers were grown in California, JUST LIKE ME.

I had a blast at the party (which is usually the case when my sister is in charge), but I spent the night with my cell phone clutched in my hand, hoping at some point to feel the two-pulse vibrate that signifies an IM, but still pretending not to really care, because I’m very nonchalant. At 11:30pm, my phone finally rang. The caller ID said I was getting a call from Palmdale, California, and when I answered, there was nobody there. Repeat that scenario twice, and then finally a muffled, “Can you hear me? Happy birthday.” Because apparently Jonathan’s not in Afghanistan at all; he’s just in Southern California, with lousy cell reception.

If you can see the time on that clock, you’ll notice that this was taken well after I turned into a pumpkin.

P.S. I could only hear about half the phone conversation I had with Jonathan, but I was able to let him know about the leopard-print Harry Potter wand and matching sunglasses, to which his response was “Oh. God.” I can already tell that 25 is going to be great.

10 thoughts on “I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip flops

      • Oh, please. I wrote a post recently where I said “IAD” instead of “IED,” and nobody even noticed. Except for Jonathan. This happens to me a lot, because I used to accidentally say “IUD” instead of “IED,” and that is a REALLY LARGE MISTAKE, so now my brain gets really nervous whenever I need to use that acronym, and clearly it overcompensated. At least I chose an A instead of a U that time, because I’m sick of people thinking I have nightmares about vaginal rings. Although honestly that sounds like something I would have a nightmare about too.

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